My Fellow Travellers...

I have had the extreme good fortune to have done a fair bit of travelling in my rather short time on this here earth. My dad was a pilot for Air Canada for thirty some odd years, so needless to say, I've been on a trip or two. In all my travelling experience, I've witnessed the same kinds of behaviours of my fellow travellers again and again, which I can only conclude stem from nervousness or an unfamiliarity with the whole notion of air travel. In an effort to serve the public, I would like to take the opportunity to pass along a few pearls of wisdom that I have gathered, in an effort to demystify the whole experience.

Lets start with security, shall we? You've now arrived at the airport, checked in, recieved your boarding pass.* (a boarding pass gives you access to the plane. It has such pertinent information as your flight number, the gate at which you will be boarding and perhaps most importantly, your seat assignment. You cannot go through security without a boarding pass. Nor can you get on the plane. It's a handy little piece of paper). You've checked your bags through and now are heading to the gate, which requires that you pass through security (that crack team of savvy motivated personnel) once and for all. First things first. Allow your relatives to go. I know it's hard, but let them go. You can write letters and make phone calls and send pictures. Hell, get Skype if you need to. There will be other opportunites for communicating with them. You're not travelling to another dimension. That being said, it's probably sufficient that only one or two of your friends or relatives drop you off. This is not the time nor the place for a family reunion.

Due to the fact that the world has gone completely bonkers in the last seven years (roughly), going through security at the airport is now a gigantic pain in the ass. Because we as human beings need to feel in control of our destinies, and because we can't really ever get a handle on things like global terrorism, I can only assume that having people take their shoes and belts off at airport security checkpoints and having them put their 'no more than 100ml' of hand cream in a plastic baggie is an effort to condense the madness down to a controllable level. There are a few things you, as a traveller, can do to alleviate that throbbing pain in your temple
when the minimum wage summer student that they've put on security duty asks if someone else has packed your bags for you.

First, don't put anything you care about in your carry on bag. And for the love of all that is good and holy, while I'm on the subject, realize what it is we all mean by carry on. A smallish bag only meant to be filled with things to entertain you from point A to point B. You needn't travel like a nomad.

Second, be polite and cheerful. Their job sucks, travelling sucks. We're all in this together. They likely know that all of these ridiculous 'security' measures are as ridiculous as we know they are. It's nothing personal and we all have to go through it. Don't get so bunged up about it. If you really paid as much as you say you paid for that make-up which is 101ml, you should've had the forsight to put it in your checked luggage. When in doubt, pack it.

Thirdly, please do not blame any particular ethnic group out loud for you having to wait in line at security. You'll simply stun those around you and possibly make your wait that much longer.

So now you've gotten through security and are on your merry way to the gate. Whew! Now you can just relax and take in the scenery. You may even want to indulge and get a $12.00 pre-wrapped stale sandwich. (aside; when I said earlier that you weren't travelling to another dimension, I may have been a little hasty. The airport is in a class all it's own. Be prepared for airport pricing, which may require you to take out a line of credit or to re-finance your mortgage if you intend to have lunch while waiting for your flight, because lord knows bringing a bottle of water through security is aiding and abetting global terrorism, but charging nearly fifteen dollars for a sandwich, a drink and a crap-ass bag of chips is in no way criminal).

Once you find your gate, have a seat. Take out a book, or in my case, some knitting and just wait. Every gate usually has a window. If you're a nervous traveller, or if it's your first time, I would suggest sitting near the window. Check outside from time to time. Until there is a large object out there with wings vaugely resembling a bird, there is no need to stand up, continually check with the desk agent, form a line, make enquiries with other passangers or just generally fret.
At this point, I really can't stress enough about forming the line. To the very first person who decides that they can themselves hurry this whole process along by standing at or near the desk I'd like to say this; the only thing you're accomplishing is making other people think that they are missing something and supposed to be in a line. There is that saying that 'nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd.' Well, in this case, nothing attracts a line like one person with some baggage. Trust me when I say that there is absolutely, positively no need for the line until one of three things has occurred.

1) The desk agent has announced the pre-boarding call and there is enough parents with young children or old people to warrant a small line.

2) The desk agent has announced the general boarding call, starting with the rows at the back of the plane to the middle.

3) The desk agent has announced the general boarding call for the remainder of the plane.

Those with enough money to fly first class never have to wait in a line. Bastards.

While sitting at the gate, you may hear the desk agent announce some passangers names. These you can completely ignore. You do not have to worry that they will call your name if you already have a boarding pass* (remember that from earlier?) with a seat assignment. The only people they are interested in talking to are those who are travelling stand-by. Stand-by is like a promisory note saying that you may get on the plane if by the miracle of overbooking and just plain odds, people don't show up. In that case, you can have their seat. Otherwise, you can park your butt and wait for the next Airbus out of town. If they call a name and it isn't yours, remain in your seat and continue to wait. There is no need to do a pre-emptory check at the desk to see if your name is next. They're not doing roll call and checking attendance for everyone on the flight.

So, to briefly sum up at this point, you should have a few facts down pretty hard. First, know your name. Second, have a boarding pass. Have a look at it and know where you're sitting. Again, if you've never flown before, this next piece of info might be of interest. As a matter of fact, this following tidbit may be the most important thing you'll ever need to know. Lets say your boarding pass has the seat assignment of 25B. You don't need to know what kind of aircraft you are flying on to know that the higher the number, the further back in the plane you are sitting. Here is where all that I have told you begins to come together and synthesize. If you have arrived at the gate, checked your boarding pass and are patiently waiting for things to unfold as they should, (because you know you should be reasonably confident that the people running the show know a little more about how to proceed smoothly than say, I dunno, you do) then we don't have a problem.

If however you've arrived at the gate, not seen an airplane attatched to the skyway (that little piece of the building which you walk down to get into the plane), have checked with the desk agent 800 times, don't know your name and have started an unnecessary line while holding a boarding pass that says 2A, please, when the first general boarding call is announced, have the common decency to step one step to the right and allow little old 25B here with her empty carry on and baggied Vaseline Intensive Care to proceed with haste and efficiency.

Thank you for travelling with us today, and enjoy your flight!